A Demo that Deterred Me
Reintroduction The Hard Way
3 and a half years ago, my husband and I had some serious arguments and fights, I snapped. I was trying to figure out how and why the things he said would enrage me. I found NVC. NVC helped me understand that I grew up in jackal language (communication style that create distance and agony) so I consider them as 'normal'. Deep down, jackal language still hurts and the pain accumulates little by little.... until it breaks.
My husband's jackal language spot-lighted all of my adverse childhood experience. It was calling my attention to dive deep so I can heal and become free from my past pattern.
What was my past pattern like? WOW! After three years of precision dissection, let's make it simple, in Sarah Peyton's way of description, my brain cells that allows me to experience warmth, welcome, support, nurturance.... never had opportunity to properly develop. These cells represent feelings quality that we can only experience when we were with company(care-taker as an infant/child). In my childhood, I was left alone a lot. My parents were in emotional distress on a regular basis, they were not able to generate nor reflect those feelings in our interactions, so these feelings simply did not exist in my experience. The bright side is: I developed a sense of independency and can feel calm and at ease when I am on my own.
Ah-ha Moment 😧
The problem was that 9 out of 10, when there was someone around me, I was in the position of being bullied, yelled at, scolded, punished, shamed, blamed or humiliated. Unconsciously, I embodied and adopted the way I was spoken to. For 50+ years I managed to bury the pain so deep I didn't even remember them. These experience were awakened by my husband's expertise in jackal language. This is not to blame him. I feel that I may very likely be as good, if not better, a total Jackal. I know I am very good at using 'shaming' as a defensive strategy.
I am a jackal expert working on expanding my expertise into giraffe language(communication style stimulates warmth and connections). 😃
Surprise! Surprise !
You may be wondering why I married my husband. Yeah, five years ago it seemed like such a great idea because we were so much alike. We even talk alike. I was a super jackal too and never recognized the truth until a couple of years into the marriage being on the receiving end of Super Jackal language. 😆
This truth really saddens me, reflecting on all of those who knew me and spent time with me as my friend, were all victims of my awful communication style. Sign！I wish I knew better, it would have saved me and my friends from a lot of grief. 😢
New Possibilities
I know if I want to have great experience in life, and have deeper connection with people, I have to develop my brain's capacity to feel warmth, welcome, support, nurturance...... and a whole lot more, also learning how to create all of those for others. Thanks to Micheal De Buitlear (Irish trainer for NVC, now a friend) who helped me identify the need/desire 'feeling safe in the company of others' which had been in my blindspot all my life until a few days ago.
It's Never Too Late
In Dr. Daniel Seigel's book 'Mindsight' he mentioned a patient of his at age 92, managed to create a more connected relationship with his wife and himself.
I feel very hopeful and excited to see these needs surface so that I can look into the process of healing, reshaping and reprograming my old pattern. I know in the future I can navigate my life with more ease, more joy and more excitements. Maybe I can even become trigger free.
Back to the story about my sister and her practice of NVC 14 years ago.
I have always wondered why NVC expressed through her would become so creepy. Do you want to know what I found out? After 10+years of investigation, the conclusion is....... her focus was on her own gain and what NVC can get her. she needed the attention of others and she was sharing her feelings as means to manipulate situation and receiving attentions. For her, NVC was not about how she can offer empathy to others, and to connect to others. It was the heart and soul of NVC that was missing. NVC truly embodied, will make a significant difference in your life. It already did with mine. I suppose expansion of the mind is never too great!
